Sleep to Dream
by littlestkitten
Summary: Conrad stays up late and thinks about his relationship with Yuuri. Conrad/Yuuri, Without You I'm Nothing arc, follows 'Love is Not Enough'


Title: Sleep to Dream

Author: Littlestkitten (saratu on lj)

Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou

Pairing: Conrad/Yuuri

Series: Without You I'm Nothing arc

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1,387

Summary: Conrad stays up late and thinks about his relationship with Yuuri.

Notes: I didn't exactly plan to have "Love is Not Enough" be part of this series but I've decided that I should include it. This takes place a few days after that story. I've been wanting to explore Conrad's POV a bit so I decided to get the series so far from his perspective. I don't think I have a good handle on his character yet so this is really just an experiment. And this turned out nothing like how I'd expected it to. Not sure if I like the feel of it. Oh well.

AN2: Sorry it's been taking me so long to finish this. I started school a few weeks ago and I dislocated my knee so I've been super busy. I think I'll have at least two more in this arc but they might not be out for a long time. Sorry.

Conrad had always been a practical person. He wasn't quite the extreme of his older brother, but he also wasn't driven to flights of fancy like his mother, or even his younger brother. He'd always like to think of himself as middle ground between the two extremes. Willing to occasionally be selfish and think of himself first, but also willing to live for other people as well.

He wouldn't say this made him 'perfect', although Yuuri seemed to think of him that way, but he did see it as an easier way of living. Nobody could censure him for the way he lived and he didn't have to stuff himself inside an office. So while he didn't let society rule his life, he could also see how bowing to its wishes occasionally could make his life easier. And he also knew that there were certain times when fighting back just made things too difficult, for him and for his friends and family. Which is why he hadn't argued about going to Ruttenburg. If he could make life easier for other half-breeds like him then he would. He didn't want to die in a pointless battle but he also didn't want to be seen as a traitor for the rest of his life. He was a soldier; he knew when it was best to cut losses and retreat. Or, even on occasion, surrender.

He'd also been raised at court and knew that certain things could never be allowed to happen. The fact that he was even alive was a testament that his mother had never learned this. But the Maou could do things that an ordinary soldier wouldn't even dream of. And Shinou's blessing had certainly helped smooth things along. People would allow Yuuri some leeway, he was the Maou as well, but that didn't mean they would go easy on him. They hadn't gone easy on his mother even though she had been the ruler at the time. And they hadn't gone easy on him or his brothers either.

And that was the real root of his fear. He had grown up being an outcast and he could handle the things people said, but he knew how much it had hurt his mother. Even Gwendal hadn't been exempt from that pain. It was an ignominy, a mark of shame that his family had to bear. He didn't blame his mother for loving his father, or for giving birth to him, but he knew his family would have had an easier time if it hadn't happened. Maybe Wolfram wouldn't hate humans so much, wouldn't hate things in general. Maybe a few of the wrinkles lining Gwendal's brow wouldn't have been made. Maybe his mother wouldn't feel the need to chase after men in order to feel loved again. It wasn't that he wished himself harm, or that he wanted to die, but he knew the reality of things. And he knew that things could have been different.

Yuuri had yet to figure these things out. He had not grown up being outcast and did not deal with people's hate and ignorance well. Conrad could tell that the fear the humans had of the gentle king hurt the boy. There was that tightening of his eyes when somebody drew back or flinched away from him. Conrad hated that moment, the moment when Yuuri was reminded that he was something to be feared.

And it would be worse if they got engaged. Not only would the humans fear him, but the majority of the Mazoku would despise the match, and take it out on the king. People were already having a hard time swallowing the idea of peace with humans. Yuuri had worked so hard to gain the tentative amount of peace they enjoyed, Conrad would not be the one to ruin it.

He had been stupid to allow this attachment to start, even more stupid to allow it to continue once he'd realized it was returned. Yuuri deserved better than him, deserved someone of equal status and regard in society. Someone Yuuri could be proud of. But Conrad had been unable to let go. He'd tried; he'd come close many times to convincing himself that he felt nothing more for the boy but the love of a protector and guardian.

But every time he'd gotten close Yuuri would do something to remind him that it was a lie. There would be the way he pouted slightly when he couldn't get his way, or the way his clothes stuck to him when he climbed out of the fountain, or even just the smile that would light up his whole face when he was happy. And when had he stopped seeing the baby that had smiled so sweetly at him and instead started seeing someone to be attracted to? These feelings were wrong of him in so many ways.

That Yuuri had proposed to him had come as a complete surprise. He knew, and everyone else knew, that Yuuri would eventually need to marry someone of a proper rank. Greta had taken care of the problem of an heir so there was no need of a female spouse, but there still needed to be one. People liked to see that their country was stable and there was nothing more stable than the idea of marriage (although Conrad's mother had proven that one to be untrue multiple times). In order to cement this peace, Yuuri would need to prove that he was serious about being the king, serious about making Shin Makoku his home. A husband or a wife would give this assurance to the people.

But as much as the people wanted to see Yuuri happy and married, it could not be to a half-breed soldier. Even if Yuuri himself had a human mother. That was not exactly something they liked to remind the people of. Maybe in a few years when they'd gotten used to the radical type of kingship that Yuuri preferred. It might even make the humans more likely to trust him. But it would only be a liability this early in his reign. And Conrad would only be a further liability.

And he knew this, knew it with every practical part of him, knew that he could not marry Yuuri. No matter how his heart had skipped a beat at the slap. How he had wanted to leap for joy at the idea of Yuuri being his and only his for the rest of eternity. He had known this and had had to turn away from the one person that had made him truly happy since Julia had died. He had caused pain to the person he had sworn to never harm again. He had caused those eyes to once again fill with tears because of him.

And no matter how much he had wanted to take it back, to apologize and agree, he hadn't been able to. Because Yuuri was too sweet and gentle to deal with what it would mean to marry him. He knew that Yuuri would never complain, would never regret his choice, but he also knew how much pain the derision and scorn would cause him. It was better to have some pain now than to prolong it. Even if he would forever be haunted by the look of betrayal in those eyes. It had taken everything he had to leave the balcony and retreat back to his room. And that was what it had been, a cowardly retreat when he should have held his ground and tried to explain.

Conrad startled as a knock resounded on his door. He ruthlessly tramped down on the hope that it would be Yuuri. He didn't deserve to be happy, to see his king. Didn't deserve to be regarded fondly by him. If it was Yuuri at his door, he would send him away if at all possible. He couldn't draw out this breakup; it wouldn't be good for either of them.

Mustering his resolve he moved to the door, hoping that it would and wouldn't be the one person who had always brought light into his life. He opened it to find one of the last people he would have expected to see at his door.

"Weller-kyo, I believe we need to talk."


End file.
